On the face of it, one would think that the return home of an employee and her family would not require special preparation. After all, they’re returning to their own culture, their extended family, their friends, co- workers―in short, to the society that “sent” them abroad. Yet in fact, most employees report trouble adjusting during and after their return home. Moreover, most report having more difficulty returning than they had leaving.
Usually, parents preparing for a stay abroad don’t think about the psychological problems that may arise upon the family’s return home; they’re busy dealing with urgent issues such as where they’ll live, enrolling the children in schools, and how the spouse will find work. Naturally they’re not thinking about what will happen one or more years down the line, upon their return.
Likewise the first few months in their new home abroad, when they’re busy setting up house and getting acclimated. Later on, they’ve begun enjoying their experience abroad, and can’t be bothered thinking about their return. Yet when reentry time arrives, the problems that weren’t properly dealt with rear their heads. In my experience [1][2], these problems can be divided into two types: Parents’ problems, and problems relating to the children and / or to the family as a whole.
Parents’ problems on re-relocation
Parents’ issues on reentry first and foremost are job-related. The employee returns to work at the company that sent her, yet the return is surrounded by psychological difficulties. Naturally, the employee expects recognition for her contribution to the organization prior to her leaving, and for her experience gained abroad. In fact, during her absence, “a new [personnel] generation arose”, and the expectation of the returning employee is that she prove herself almost as if she were a new hire. In addition, in many cases, the employee enjoyed independence and autonomy in her position abroad, and upon her return, a great deal of her freedom is curtailed. Or-Noy et al. (2007) points out three problem-fraught situations that re-relocatees might run into at the end of their period abroad:
· Her former position has been filled, so that she cannot go back thereto.
· She returns with enhanced capabilities, both administrative and in meeting new challenges, and is unable to find more senior and / or challenging positions that meet with her expectations.
· Many returnees feel a sense of solitude, and have a hard time “finding themselves” in their workplace. They may apply to other companies, hoping to find an employer that will exploit their experience gained abroad.
Or-Noy et al. even claim that their research shows that 25% of returnees leave their former jobs within the first year of reentry. The cost to their former employer in loss of the returning employee is estimated at $1.2 million. In addition, it was found that one of every five returnees want to leave their former jobs; and less than half get promoted upon their return, despite their seniority and added experience. Moreover, two thirds feel that their period abroad had a negative effect on their careers, and 50% claim that their job after their return was less interesting and challenging than their positions abroad. These figures point to reentry difficulties experienced at the workplace; we haven’t even begun to talk about the spouses―usually wives―for whom it’s no simple matter reentering the job market after one or more years’ absence.
Moreover, during their stay abroad, the employee and her family became accustomed to living standards that differ from those at home: Foreign salaries are generally higher, housing is usually superior, and the schools are generally better than the public schools at home. In addition, the situation at home did not “freeze in time” during their stay abroad. Things changed both in general (lifestyles and standards change throughout the society) and on an individual level, for example an unmarried employee who returns to find all his friends married and parents.
Children’s problems and those of the entire family
The same issues that the family dealt with upon embarking upon their “adventure” abroad can arise upon their reentry: the spouse’s finding work, schools for the kids, unanticipated housing problems, dissatisfaction with work, kids having a hard time at school and socially. These problems can complicate relationships and make things difficult for the entire family. Therefore, support is critical for the family’s successful reentry as well as that of all its members (Or-Nay et al. 2007).
And of course, the main problem upon returning after a stay abroad is the children’s resistance to the return home. When a family goes on Sabbatical, the children are often young. Even if they oppose going, their opposition is usually easily overcome. But upon their return, they are older, on occasion quite a bit older; their opposition is direct, blatant, and logical, and usually related to their social and scholastic situation. The saying “Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems” particularly applies in this case.
On occasion, a child’s resistance goes as far as refusing to come back. This is more likely to occur in a case where the child is in her late teens and has lived abroad for a long time. And when such a child does return, she’s likely to make her parents’ life hell once they’re back. Tactics may include refusing to go to school, refusing to see friends, or angry outbursts. If the child has other difficulties in her background, say learning disabilities or social issues, the anti-social behavior may be exacerbated.
How can parents ease re-relocation?
“Think of the end before you begin”
―Rabbi Shlomo Elkabetz
There are two main phases in parents’ dealing with their children’s re-relocation: The first is preparing children for the return, and the second is helping them to acclimate upon their return. Proper parental involvement in each of the phases will smooth the way for the entire family’s reentry.
Phase I: Preparation for the return starts before you’ve even gone abroad
A poster to one of my forums asked:
“We’re due to go on Sabbatical next year. How do you recommend preparing our four-year-old? Should we tell her our plans, or is it too soon? Should we send her for informal group English lessons?”
In response to my reply, the mother goes into detail:
“We’re going to Canadafor two years. We’ve thought about putting her in a regular preschool, although we might be able to get her into a preschool where one of the teachers speaks Hebrew. When do you think we should explain our Sabbatical to her? To tell the truth, we’ve talked about it in her presence, and she may have already picked up on our plans.
Regarding English, we’re vacillating. While she’s young to be going to lessons, it scares us to think of her landing in Canadaand not understanding a word of what’s being said around her…couldn’t it be traumatic? I feel that a transition like this demands our preparing our daughter, but I have no idea how.”
I replied:
“You’re right. A move like this requires preparation. It’s fine for you to talk about it in front of your daughter; it’s not a secret. You can start preparing her in a more organized fashion two months before your departure. Regarding the language issue, I want to reassure you: At this age, children usually don’t have a problem communicating, both because their routines are less based on language and more on tangibles, and because they pick up language so quickly.
About preschool, even though your daughter is young, and even though you’re only going away for two years, it’s worth enrolling her in a school that’s going to maintain her connection with Israel, Judaism, Hebrew, and the holidays, where at least these things are somewhat familiar.In this sense, you are preparing in advance not only for going to Canada, but also for returning home.
In other words, preparing for the family’s return home should begin before they ever leave. Parents should already be thinking about reentry at an early stage, when they’re dealing with the many practical aspects of their move abroad. For instance, will our environment enable contact with other fellow citizens who are temporarily abroad? Or only with ex-pats? Will the children’s schools reinforce our religious values or national traditions? Can our children join a local branch of their youth movement? How will we keep in touch with home? If parents aren’t asking themselves these questions “on the way out”, reentry will be made that much more difficult.
In one family I worked with, the father grew up in the USand the mother grew up in Israel. They met in Israel, where they married and started their family. After a few years, the father couldn’t find work, and they and their two small children decided to try their luck in the States, where the father found a good job and did well. Yet the couple disagreed even before they left Israelabout their return: The mother wanted to come back, and the father did not. So actually, they did not bother taking measures to maintain their children’s connection with Israel. For instance, they didn’t make an effort to find housing in an area where there were other Israelis, nor did they bother enrolling the kids in Jewish schools. After a few years, the couple agreed that for the sake of the kids’ upbringing, they would return to Israel…except that it was already too late: The children had lost almost all their Hebrew, they were fully integrated socially, and Israelwas just a foreign land as far as they were concerned.
Preparation for reentry takes place day to day abroad
A key ingredient in reentry success is parents setting an example. For instance, do you have contact with other fellow citizens, or do you socialize mainly with the locals? Do you speak your language at home, or do you try to speak the local language? Are you celebrating your holidays, or letting them slip by unmarked? Do you try to buy products from home? Do you come back for visits? Do you keep in touch with family and friends?
One family I know, whose children were six and four, knew that they’d return home after the father’s stint working abroad. Because of this, they made sure to enroll the children in Jewish schools (despite the cost), looked for a place to live where there were other Israelis (even though it was more costly), they mixed with Israelis even though they preferred the locals, and they visited home with the children during the long vacations, despite the cost. The payoff: Their reentry after several years abroad was smooth, particularly for the children.
Naturally there are cases where the above advice is simply not possible to implement, due to economic or other constraints, or simply due to geography. It is in precisely such cases that it is up to the parents to get creative about maintaining the family’s connection to home, such as regular phone calls, watching Israeli TV programming on burned DVDs, and listening to Israeli music.
Actual preparation for reentry begins: Setting the return date
In order for parents to be able to begin preparing their children for the return home, they have to have a definite return date. In reality, the exact date is usually not known, or it is flexible, the parents being able to negotiate it once the family is living abroad. If this is the case, the decision is not a simple one, and requires careful thinking.
A family that had been abroad for years consulted with me on this matter. The father was an executive in an international firm; the mother had not worked outside the home. They had three children, who had attended Jewish schools and knew Hebrew. The parents were afraid that their children would lose their Israeli identity if they remained abroad. In addition, one daughter was set to enter junior high the following fall, and it seemed like a good time to come back. On the other hand, the children resisted, and there were other extenuating factors in the picture.
During counseling, I analyzed together with them the characteristics of this family relevant to the decision. The youngest child, now eight, had been abroad since she was one. She of course spoke the local language fluently, was confident, social, and well-adjusted. Her 12-year-old sister was learning disabled, yet had made good progress in school the past year. She was also social, yet did not read or write Hebrew, and vehemently opposed moving. The oldest, 16, was introverted, uncomfortable with change, and despite being a good student, refused to learn Hebrew. He also didn’t want to return to Israel, and took every opportunity to declare that as soon as he turned 18, he would leave.
The mother in particular was conflicted. On the one hand, she wanted to stay put; she’d found worked she liked that gave her much satisfaction. On the other hand, she felt guilty about preferring to remain abroad, despite the fear that her children would lose their Israeli identity. The father wanted to come back as soon as possible, for the same reason. At the same time, his spouse’s happiness was important to him.
Based on this and other information, we evaluated the risks and opportunities and advantages and disadvantages of moving back versus remaining abroad. As far as returning to Israelimmediately, we came up with the following: It seemed that the strongest opposition to moving came from the two older children, who, if the family were to return immediately, would likely make everyone miserable. They would probably encounter scholastic difficulties that might cause deterioration in their self-esteem. Regarding the mother, her sense of well-being would certainly be threatened, as she would be forced to leave a job she liked. Therefore, we concluded that the youngest child would acclimate well and the father would feel good about his children’s long-term identity issues.
As far as postponing their return, we concluded thusly: The older children might indeed lose their Israeli identity after being abroad for so long, yet they would continue on their mostly successful paths. As far as the mother, she could continue in her satisfying career, which would have a positive affect on the entire family. In light of the above analysis, the parents decided not to return immediately, but rather to begin family counseling in order to prepare the ground properly for their return two years hence.
The main reentry issue: The kids’ separation issues
The closer the family gets to “lift-off”, the more urgent it is that the parents take certain practical measures such as attending to housing, enrolling the kids in school, and the spouse finding work. Yet it is precisely the crucial issue of the children’s bidding farewell that many parents ignore.
As aforementioned, the main problem of re-relocation is the kids’ resistance to the idea, because they are now X years older and are now inarguably part of the local scene. In order to relate properly to this fact, it is incumbent upon parents to weigh carefully how and when to tell the kids of their decision to return home. Better to consult with the kids, or to mention it casually? Parents can err in one of two directions on this one: Not involving the kids until the latest possible juncture; or making the kids the focal issue around which the decision revolves, allowing them―whether consciously or not―to drive the entire process.
The most common mistake parents make is putting off telling the kids until the last minute, whether it’s because they want to avoid a confrontation, or because they underestimate its significance to the kids. When the return is sudden, with insufficient preparation and not enough time to say goodbye, psychic damage is caused, both short- and long-term.
A couple approached me about their son, a seventh-grader, who had been suffering socially ever since he began junior high. He refused to go to school, spending most of his days in front of the computer. Over the course of a few sessions, it emerged that this wasn’t just a question of a difficult transition to junior high; this was much deeper, with its roots in the family’s history.
It turned out that they’d spent a long period abroad. At a certain point, because of problems in the marriage, the parents decided suddenly to come back home. Their son resisted, but after a few months back home he seemed to acclimate. In a session with the son, he told me that he still missed the foreign country, after four years. He was angry with his parents for having decided to return so suddenly, despite his and his brother’s opposition.
Fast forward to the present. The family now faced another immediate decision: Due to financial difficulties, it appeared that they would be forced to sell their spacious home and move into a smaller one. So the seemingly objective phenomenon of a rocky start in junior high and then having to move house were actually just a “disguise” for the trauma of having left the foreign country suddenly four years before: The boy’s coping system was collapsing.
Proper preparation for reentry must include relating seriously to the process of parting from the child’s present home. Just as it’s important to allow for goodbyes before leaving for abroad (Marmelstein and Arel-Sharist 2008), it is just as important to do so “in the other direction”. Allowing time for bidding friends and other important figures farewell enables a good start upon the child’s return. This is particularly true when the child has resisted the move.
Another family came to me for counseling on the eve of their return after a long period in the US. They suspected that their teenager would resist returning. They’d only told her about the move a few months in advance, because for business reasons, they had to keep it secret until the last minute. Of course the teen reacted badly. The parents weren’t alarmed, as they were in control of the situation. They had many talks about it with the girl, and gave her space to get used to the idea. They encouraged her and assisted her in saying goodbye to her friends, her school, and other people she’d befriended, for example, an employee at the local supermarket. In addition, they promised her that two of her friends could visit her the next summer, and that she could also visit them.
When they returned home, the teen adjusted well. There was no deluge of phone calls or dramatic pleas of yearning, nor was there a sense of urgency to go back and visit. It appeared that the parents wisely allowing their child to feel the quite real pain and struggle of leaving had actually eased the transition; the child felt that she was being allowed to deal with things at her own pace, and that her parents were giving consideration to her emotional needs even though they did not accept her wish to stay in the US. As a result, she cooperated with the reentry process.
The second mistake that parents make in preparing their children to return home is giving the children too central a role in the decision and / or involving them too soon in the process. Instead of trusting themselves to make a courageous decision based on a long-term, big-picture view of the family’s needs as a whole, some parents lose confidence as they try too hard to consider their children’s immediate needs or calm their children’s immediate reactions. Oftentimes, confused parents fear “fallout damage” upon their children’s return, leading them to forfeit their leadership position in the family. Following is a dialog from a Web chat with Orlyon February 7, 200519:53:
Hello. We’ve lived in the USfor six years. When we left Israel, our oldest was seven; now he’s 13. Our youngest was one; now he’s seven. We’re in a dilemma about whether to return, primarily because we’re afraid of the negative effect of the move on the children.
Our oldest will be in eighth grade, and he’s very settled in socially. In addition, he’s fluent in English and shows interest in the local culture, etc. Is it right to take such a child back to Israel, or is it better to wait a year or two? We asked him what he thought, and he got so angry that since then we haven’t dared bring up the subject, even between ourselves. What’s the best solution, and what advice can you give aside from our intuition as parents who know their own kids? We await your reply. Thanks, Orly February 8, 200521:12
My reply:
Hi Orly,
While there’s no doubt that parents must consider their kids’ needs when making major decisions, the question is what those needs are. For instance, is the family priority the child’s need to remain close to friends, or the need to ensure maintaining extended family ties with an eye toward the future? Your view as parents needs to be wide and comprehensive, taking into account not only the child’s immediate resistance, but other considerations such as your family’s values, your own needs as parents, your children’s long-term upbringing, your own commitment to your extended families, and more.
What’s more, it is incumbent upon you as parents to remember that postponing your return diminishes the chances of successful reentry, as your children’s integration into the local scene only deepens. Therefore, I advise you to come back this year instead of continuing in limbo regarding the decision. From this moment forward, start thinking about how to help your children accept the decision. I’m happy to help you with this as well. Best, Haim Amit
From OrlyFebruary 9, 200500:53:
Thanks, Haim, for what you had to say about our dilemma. You know something? I read your advice over and over, and I thought, “Maybe we’re making this whole thing more complex than it needs to be”. You’re right that we, the parents, must give clear answers to the issues you raise, and go on from there. Even now, as I answer my own questions, I feel the power of making the change, and am less occupied with how my son will react later on. You helped me clear this up. Thanks so much.
Phase II: Acclimation post-reentry
Even if we’ve prepared well, and certainly if we haven’t, acclimating to life back home after having lived abroad won’t be easy for your family. You’re struggling with issues such as if, when, and should you let the kids go back to visit, how to help them integrate into local society, how to deal with their anger, power struggles, and so forth.
Some parents are conflicted about child-rearing issues, for instance discipline and boundaries. During its stay abroad, your family got used to behavioral norms that differ from those at home, particularly between children and between children and adults. It’s difficult for you to re-acclimate to the more relaxed discipline and rowdier public behavior here, just to mention a few examples. In some cases parents feel that their family’s integrity and their parental authority are downright threatened.
“We’ve returned after a few years in Europe, and we’re having a hard time re-acclimating. One of the advantages of living abroad was the integrity of the family: no friends, no neighborhood, no extended family; it was us and us alone. We spent a lot of time together as a family, even though it wasn’t always easy.
Now here we are back home, and we feel our family disintegrating. It even shows up in the little things like dinner and watching television. In Europe, we ate dinner together nearly every night; here, the kids want to grab something and go about their business. Everyone has a TV in their rooms, so they watch on their own.
In short, they’re acclimated to in-your-face Israel too well for our taste; they’re losing their European refinement. We’re trying to hold onto our family and its values, but fear that we’re holding the reins too tightly. Where’s the middle path between allowing our kids to “be Israelis”, with all that that implies, and preserving the European behavior norms to which we’ve become accustomed and that we appreciate as proper?”
When older children resist returning home, their adjustment period can be quite long. If the parents pressure the kids to adjust too quickly, it almost guarantees failure, and the child could end up not adjusting at all. Yet if the parents submit to their children’s anger, it will also lead to failure, as the kids will invest their energies in pining for their home abroad, and perhaps even attempt to return. The parents need to lead the family wisely in this tightrope act (Amit 2006).
After one family I worked with had returned from living abroad for ten years, their children were 20, 16, and 12. Over the course of our sessions, it emerged that all three had taken their parents’ decision very hard. The oldest insisted on remaining abroad, and didn’t come back with the family. The 16-year-old resisted, yet accepted the “verdict”, and ended up re-acclimating well. The youngest, a sixth grader, is still putting up a struggle.
She claims she can’t get used to the food here, she misses the big city, she hates how they dress here, and so forth. She keeps saying she wants to go back, and refuses to make friends. She often angrily accuses her parents of not considering her feelings in their decision, and describes her pain: “Why wouldn’t they let me stay behind? I could’ve lived with my friends and I would’ve gotten along fine. They can’t just force their decisions on me!”
The parents, for their part, pressured her to acclimate “already”. They got on her case for hanging around the house, tried to sign her up for after-school activities, and pushed her to work on her schoolwork. They also refused to talk to her about visiting their former home.
Through counseling, the parents learned to turn off the pressure, and showed understanding for the hard time the girl was having. The girl’s resistance gradually lessened. At a certain point, their leadership faced the opposite test. The daughter asked to go to an international junior high in Israel. She argued that the language barrier and scholastic style were obstacles to her doing well in school. She promised her parents that her grades would improve at the international school. The parents vacillated, and ultimately told her no, even though they knew she’d be angry.
The reason for their decision was their fear that their daughter would grow away from her Israeli roots, even in Israel. After a crisis following their answer, the girl started her local junior high, made friends, started gymnastics, and stopped irritating her parents with talk of going back. “I’ll probably want to go back when I’m older,” she said, “But I’m not sure. We’ll see.”
Conclusion
Israel invests hugely in grooming outstanding employees. When some of these go abroad to work, they don’t always return. Even when they do, their reentry into society is fraught with problems and often unsuccessful. The Israeli economy cannot permit itself to lose these workers. A large part of the obstacles to successful re- relocation are related to these workers’ families, i.e., parents’ personal difficulties, particularly those stemming from children’s resistance to the return.
In order to overcome such difficulties, parents must deal wisely with two critical phases of re-relocation: preparing their children well for the return, which begins even before the family’s departure; and helping the children upon their return to Israel (re-relocation). The answer to the question of whether a family’s reentry was a success depends upon the parents’ leadership, or how wisely they handle this complex transition in the life of their family.
References
Amit, Haim (2006). Horìm kManhigìm [Parents as Leaders] Modan: Ben Shemen. י/188.
Marmelstein, A and L. Arel-Shrist (2007). Mashabèi Enósh [human resources] March-April pp. 41-43.
― (2008) Relocation: dachìnu vDachìnu…higìya haZmán l’hiparèd [Relocation: We’ve put it off long enough…It’s time to say goodbye] MashabèiEnósh [human resources] February pp. 55-57.
Or-Noy, C / H; D. Kala; B. Bar-Yosef (2007). Levád baLIE-la baIr zará [alone at night in a strange city] Status. September, Tel Aviv pp. 24-29.
Zilbiger, A (2008). Asèret haDibrót bHatzlachá bRe-relocation [The Ten Commandments for Success in Re- relocation]. Mashabèi Enósh [human resources] January pp. 74-76.
[1][1]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repatriation.
[2][2]My experience in this area includes counseling families abroad who are deciding whether to return, or who are preparing to return, or have just returned. The counseling is either live or via my forum “Amit at Ein Horesh”.
Real World Aliyah 101 or Realistic Expectations
Everyone warned me that the first six months after making Aliyah would be terrible- I’d be miserable missing my old community, family and friends and dealing with “rude” Israelis. Now that I’m here though, I feel completely at peace- like I’ve finally come home. Is there something wrong with me?
I’ve dreamed about making Aliyah for years- from the moment I first saw Israel as a child I knew this was where I belonged. So why have I spent my first two weeks as an Oleh crying about the friends and family I’ve left behind?
These scenarios are just two examples of the responses we get at NBN when we ask Olim the deceptively simple question of, “How are you?” Why is it that fulfilling the Aliyah dream can cause such a myriad range of reactions?
At Nefesh B’Nefesh we obviously believe in the ideal of Aliyah, that Israel is the homeland of the Jewish people. At the same time we want our Olim to actualize this ideal with their eyes wide open- and that means being fully aware of the enormous complexity of Aliyah.
Think about the people in your life that are the most important to you- your parents, your significant other, your children. Now think about the feelings those relationships evoke in you- most likely you’ll be assaulted by a cascade of emotions, from love to anger to everything in between. Why is that? Because the more depth of attachment we have with someone, the more complex our reactions become to that person.
When you make Aliyah, you are entering into a relationship with a wonderful, amazing entity- the Land of Israel. You know this land, you know it’s right for you, and you’re committed to building your life with it. That’s the foundation of your decision to make Aliyah.
But just like any relationship, there will be days when Israel will make your hear soar and there will be days when you can’t stand the sight of it. Does that mean you don’t belong in this relationship? No more than an argument means that a couple is headed for divorce.
Is there something wrong with you if you’re experiencing a roller coaster of emotions? Absolutely not! It simply means that by choosing to come on Aliyah you’ve entered into a relationship that will bring you all the joy and growth and complexity of the other relationships in your life.
Knowing and accepting this will go a long way towards ensuring that your relationship with Israel is a long and wonderful one.
The family challenge of Aliyah
Moving home is a major “life-event”, and the challenge of moving far away, when making aliyah, adds extra stress. It is often especially difficult for the younger members of the family. Together with all the excitement, it may be a challenge to keep the family stable during the long period before, during and after the move. There is likely to be a roller-coaster of emotions, from denial, to excitement, to anger, depression, and eventual acceptance.
First, there may be months of uncertainty beforehand while decisions are finalized. Often this is as hard for the children as for the adults, as one child said: “I didn’t even mind what the final decision would be, but I couldn’t bear the limbo of not knowing”. Yet even if the possibility of moving is not discussed with the children in advance, they are likely to be aware of it. Children, who can manage the anxiety of having to live with unpredictability, gain an important learning experience.
Children may deny the impending separations from their old, familiar lives until the last moment, continuing as usual with their friends and schooling until the week the packers are due to come. This is a normal way of dealing with the fear of the unknown. However, towards the last weeks children should be encouraged to talk about the move - who they’ll miss and how they’d like to say goodbye; what they’ve most liked about living here, how they imagine their new life to be. It also helps to share with them as much as possible about their new environment – how their new home looks, details about their new school (a typical lesson timetable, name of teacher, number of children in the class, location from home, or a class list with recommendations from the teacher of a few children to meet in advance).
After the move, what may seem at first like an extended holiday, may gradually feel more challenging, as children miss their friends and have to get used to different norms of behavior in their new schools. Many teenagers try to continue feeling part of their old friendship groups, by living in a virtual-reality of instant messaging – often till late at night to get round the complication of time differences. This is understandable and important – for a while – but virtual-living can end up being more frustrating and upsetting than satisfying. Parents may need to gently encourage gradual involvement in social activities locally, such as youth groups or more structured extra-curricular activities. It is important for parents to bear in mind how hard it is often for children to join a new social group - partly due to guilt about leaving a best friend behind, and worry about being forgotten by friends back home, and partly because new classmates may also be ambivalent about welcoming the newcomer.
Schools which are sufficiently sensitive to the newcomers’ anxieties and sense of vulnerability can do a lot to support them. Firstly, teachers can prevent a sense of exclusion from developing, by showing interest in the child’s past – for example, listening to stories about the newcomer’s old school and other activities, and encouraging classmates to do the same. Such modeling behavior from the teacher also helps classmates to accept differences and develop a healthy curiosity in the wider world. Secondly, schools that are used to accepting olim, may have a transition programme in place including organizing a buddy–system to help orient the newcomer for the first few weeks. They may also have a named class-parent as a supportive link for the family; and offer an orientation session with student and his/her parents to increase familiarity with the school (and with other newcomers).
If you feel that your child should have a solid foundation in Hebrew before plunging into school, there are ulpanim in most cities, provided free by the Ministry of Absorption. For example, the Ulpan for Immigrant Students in Rehov Gidon, Jerusalem, is for high school students. It offers up to a year of intensive Hebrew (while gradually introducing a core high-school curriculum), and gradually works towards integration in a regular Israeli high-school towards the end of the programme. Other cities also offer support for integration – often through a specially designated Immigrant Advisor/Coordinator (“Racezet Olim”) in the local “matnas” (Community Centre).
Some parents become anxious when their children still seem unhappy or unsettled in school after a few months. Many children regress behaviourally, or show other symptoms of anxiety. An international move, even to Israel, can temporarily shake up a child’s sense of identity and belonging, and if your child seems depressed or isolated, try to talk to them about how to help. If necessary, a few short-term therapeutic meetings with a psychologist may be useful. The parents, child and psychologist together, can work through the child’s perceptions about the move, address feelings of vulnerability and loss – from extended family, from friends, and from the comfort of familiar routines, objects and places. This helps the child feel more resilient, adjust successfully to their new home, and be open to establishing new friendships.
Caroline Hacohen is an educational psychologist working in Jerusalem and in Mercaz Rakefet, Ramat Bet Shemesh. She has personal experience of moving country with her family, as a diplomatic spouse, and has worked extensively with relocated children, their families and teachers.
Relocating. Changing jobs. Packing and moving. What do they all have in common? Beside for being major life changes, they are also among the three top stresses a marriage can experience.
Making Aliyah involves all three- and that’s only the beginning. It’s no wonder then that many marriages suffer under the strain of changes brought on by Aliyah. Here are some tips that can help yours sail through the transition.
Marriage is Also a Task – Aliyah may seem like an endless To Do list of new experiences and things. Among all the shopping and running around from office to office, don’t forget to pay attention to the most important thing you’re bringing with you to Israel- your marriage. Take fifteen minutes on even the most hectic day to sit down with your spouse for a cup of coffee. The time you spend connecting with each other will more than pay for itself in the feeling that with all that is new your relationship with each other remains a constant, steady support.
Respect Your Differences – Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus- even in Israel. In all probability you and your spouse will have different reactions to some or even all aspects of Aliyah. Acknowledging these differences is important, supporting your spouse no matter how different from you they may be feeling is critical. Remember there is no right way to feel about Aliyah. The transition is difficult enough without your spouse feeling that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not feeling the same things you are.
The Tortoise and The Hare – The pace of Aliyah is different for everyone. Some people take to life in Israel immediately, while for others it’s a long, slow journey until all the pieces fall into place. This can be particularly hard on a couple when one is thriving while the other is limping along. Be sensitive to the pace of your spouse’s Klitah- it may be very different from your own.
Taking the above issues into consideration can go a long way to ensuring that your marriage makes the move to Israel as intact as your carefully packed China.
Preparing Your Children (and Yourself) for Their Aliyah
My seven year old was thrilled when we told him we were making Aliyah- the date of our move couldn’t come soon enough. He said goodbye to friends and family without a hitch, he kept telling them we were the lucky ones. Now that we’re here, it’s like a nightmare. He cries every morning, refuses to go to school and tells us he hates us for making him come here. Help! I want my son go back. What is going on here?
Think about the process you went through before choosing to make Aliyah- the research, the weighing of options, the hard decisions. All these steps were predicated on something that by definition your children don’t have when it comes to making Aliyah- Choice. As adults we choose to make Aliyah freely, our children are pretty much locked into following whatever decisions we make for them. Understanding this basic reality can go a long way towards assisting our children.
What does this mean practically?
Pre-Aliyah
· Although the ultimate decision is yours, involve your children as much as possible in the decision making process. Talk about Israel, talk about why you feel it’s the best possible option for your family, do a family research project about the communities you are looking into.
· Invite your children to discuss their feelings about Aliyah- including negative ones. Share with them how hard it will be for you to leave family and friends. Ask them if they share the same feelings- and then listen without judgment when they tell you how they feel.
· Involve your children in the actual physical process of making Aliyah- things like packing and purchasing. Recognizing the space limitations of your new Israeli home, allow them to choose what to bring with them and what to leave behind.
Post-Aliyah
· Be prepared for anything. They may be thrilled and speaking fluent Hebrew in a month. They may be sullen. They may be very verbal with their anger and hostility. Whatever their reaction, grit your teeth and tell yourself this is normal for a child who was just relocated halfway across the world. Try to empathize with what your child is going through.
· Be flexible. It’s more critical initially that your child feel you are on their side than that you are worrying about things like homework. In general, the focus the first year should be on social integration not academic achievement. Conveying this to your child will go a long way towards helping them feel that you understand what you are going through.
· Enjoy Israel as a family. Take a mental health day off from school and go visit the Kotel and the OldCity. Just because you’re no longer tourists doesn’t mean that there aren’t myriad things to enjoy together.
· Be patient. Aliyah is a major transition- give your child time to adjust. It may take a while, but they will get there.
Israeli society expects and, to a certain extent, supports the concept of a 2-income family. Tax laws specifically encourage mothers to be in the work force, since mothers (and not fathers) receive significant tax breaks in the form of tax credits per child. Employment laws such as government-mandated and government-subsidized Chufshat Leidah (maternity leave) and Sha'at Hanakah (a shortened work day for mothers of infants) encourage mothers of young children to return to their jobs after childbirth. A well-developed system of ma'onot (full-time day care centers for babies and toddlers) is a familiar and well-engrained Israeli institution, which makes it practical for both parents to be out of the house.
While all of these factors make it possible for both mothers and fathers to be working, it certainly is not easy to run a family while keeping up with the demands of a job. One problem in particular is that the Israeli public school system is not a full-day program and it includes a tremendous number of vacation days, making it difficult on the one hand to have two parents working, and on the other hand, to have a parent available at home when the children have time off or come home early from school.
Though the employment "fast track" and traditional 9 to 5 work arrangements do not necessarily work for parents of small children, there are alternatives to this type of arrangement that provide greater flexibility. There is a range of employment opportunities in Israel, which meet the needs of a young family.
Full-Time Positions
"Full time" is a vaguely defined term used to describe a wide range of working arrangements. Particularly in the business and hi-tech sectors, full time positions can often be negotiated to mean working from 8 to 4, a timetable that matches the hours provided by most Israeli day care centers. If the 8 to 4 option does not provide enough coverage for a particular employment opportunity, parents can negotiate working a combination of "short" and "long days," i.e., working until 4:00 most of the a week and alternating with a spouse or hiring a private babysitter once a week, to allow you to make up the extra hours. Alternatively, if both parents have flexible schedules, one parent can work an "early shift" and be home in time for the children, while the second parent can start the work day after ma'on "drop off" and get home after the 4:00 deadline. Some employment arrangements also allow you to clock additional work hours in the evening at
home.
Being a Professional Consultant
Freelancers have much more flexibility than salaried employees. For example, graphic artists and technical writers are usually employed for 45-hours a week. However, freelancers who offer the same services on an out-sourced basis can work at home part-time, according to their own schedules.
On the down side, freelancing has several disadvantages. Some months may be busier than others. You have to find and keep your own clients, and you don't have access to employee benefits such as employee insurance packages and savings plans, vacation days and sick days.
Using Full Time as a Temporary Measure
In many professions, part-time options are available if you already have experience and contacts in Israel. However, if you are just starting out, full time work is a good option.
This reality holds true for a range of employment opportunities, including certain medical professionals, writers, accountants, marketing consultants, psychologists, etc. For example, public relations consultants who work privately (directly with individual clients) can work at home and set their own hours. However, if you are an Oleh Chadash who is newly entering the public relations field, you will probably first want a full time job in a good firm, which will allow you to gain valuable experience before you can strike out on your own. Similarly, dentists who own their own practices can control their work schedules; but if you are a young dentist who is looking for work in existing dental clinics, you are dependent on the schedule of whoever hires you and may need to work afternoons or evenings, when it is inconvenient.
As a working parent, it may be necessary to develop different long-term and short-term employment goals. In the short term, it may be worthwhile to obtain a full time position, which may give you the necessary experience to set up your own business, professional service or medical clinic. This will allow you, in the long-term, to work part time without compromising your professional satisfaction, independence and flexibility.
Running Your Own Business
If you run your own business, you frequently have the luxury of choosing your own hours. If you are a hairstylist, artist or child care provider, for example, you can control your own schedule and you are not obligated to answer to anyone other than yourself.
If you own a store that provides a service, you may have the option of hiring additional staff to provide you with the flexibility and support that you need. For example, if you are a pharmacist, optician or photographer, you can hire someone to be in your store at times when you are unavailable.
On the other hand, getting a business off the ground can certainly be a 24-hour a day commitment, and it may be necessary at times to put a tremendous amount of time into making your business work.
Working in the Educational System
The school system is the most natural work environment for parents of small children. Teachers, psychologists, administrators, secretaries, guidance counselors and therapists can all find employment working in the public or private school sectors, holding a full time position as defined by the Ministry of Education without compromising the ability to be home when your own children finish school. Academics working in the university system are also on a schedule that provides enough flexibility to meet the needs of the family.
Part-Time Administrative Positions
It is not unusual to find part-time administrative positions, particularly in medical offices and the educational or public sectors. An administrative position with comfortable working hours located close to home (and without the after-hours responsibilities of other types of employment) is a very convenient employment option that provides tremendous flexibility for people who want to be maximally available to their families.
Caring for Young Children
In Israel, it is very common for mothers to return to the work force immediately after finishing the government-subsidized maternity leave. Maonot, or day care centers, exist in every community in Israel and are the most popular form of child care for infants and toddlers. Standard hours in Maonot are 7:30 am – 4:00 pm. In some Maonot, later hours are available, until 6 pm.
For individuals who would prefer a more home-based atmosphere and don’t mind the extra expense, the private Mishpachton is another arrangement that is commonly available. In a typical Mishpachton, a babysitter will look after a small group of infants or toddlers in her own home. Hours in Mishpachton vary: some places offer half day programs (until 1:00 or 1:30 pm) where other places offer full day programs (until 3:30 or 4:00 pm).
Children attend Gan, or pre-school, starting at age 3. In some places, Gan is a half day program that ends between 1 and 2 pm. For working parents, Tsaharon – afternoon programs – are available for a separate fee. In many cases, Tsaharon staff members pick children up directly from the Gan, bring them to the Tsaharon and provide hot lunches and afternoon activities. Tsaharon programs usually end between 3:30 and 4:00, though some programs do end later.
If the Maon, Mishpachton or Tsaharon in your neighborhood does not offer you the type of child care schedule that you need, private babysitters may also be available. However, babysitting fees are usually higher than the other options.
Different communities in Israel have different child care options. Speak to other parents in your neighborhood to find out what is locally available.
New Israeli Tax Relieves for New Immigrants and Returning Residents
In honor of Israel's 60th birthday, the Ministries of Finance and Immigrant Absorption and the Knesset approved a series of tax breaks for new immigrants and returning residents, with the goal of encouraging "Aliya" to Israel. The tax breaks are relevant solely to the following populations:
1. New Immigrants ("Ole Hadash")
2. A returning resident who lived outside of Israel for at least 10 years from the date he left Israel ("a returning resident to be classified as a new immigrant").
3. In the period of years 2007-2008-2009 only – a returning resident who lived outside of Israel at least 5 years, in the event that he is considered to be a "foreign resident" on January 1, 2007.
The benefits do not apply to Israeli operations or investment in assets in Israel, made after the new immigrant or returning resident arrived in Israel.
The following is a summary of the existing law and the planned tax breaks for the aforementioned populations:
1. Until now, the existing law exempts new immigrants and returning residents from Israeli tax for a five years period, on "passive" income (interest, dividends, rent, pensions and rental fees). Now the amendment will mandate that the tax-exempt period be extended for the populations set out above to ten years, also in respect of new assets abroad. "Other" returning residents will continue with a five year exemption from Israeli tax on assets they acquired prior to their return to Israel.
2. Until now, the existing law grants a four-year tax exemption on income from a business that existed at least five years prior to the "aliya" to Israel and is applicable solely to new immigrants. The new amendment stipulates that the populations set out above get an extension of the exemption period to ten years and they will apply to salaries and business from abroad as well. So families from the relevant populations can return to Israel while still working abroad, without being taxed in Israel.
3. Until now, the existing law stipulates that companies registered abroad and which are "controlled and managed" in Israel are also considered to be "Israeli residents" and are required to file tax returns in Israel and pay the supplementary tax accordingly. The new amendment stipulates that companies controlled by the relevant populations will not be subject to "control and management" tests and they will not have to file Israeli tax returns as long as the returning resident or new immigrant continues to benefit from the aforementioned exemptions from Israeli tax, and subject to the fact that the income of the Company abroad is not generated in Israel. This consideration is very important to individuals who continue to operate from Israel through a company abroad, regarding which they were the owners or executives of the company when they were still abroad.
4. Until now, the existing law mandates that new immigrants and returning residents file (in most cases) Israeli tax returns in respect of their income abroad even if such income is tax exempt. The amendment stipulates that the aforementioned populations are totally exempt from filing tax returns in respect of foreign income that is tax-exempt in Israel, without reservation. In other words, there will be no need whatsoever, not from a psychological aspect, nor from a bureaucratic requirement to gather any documents in connection with foreign income that is tax exempt in Israel.
5. The new amendment stipulates that the aforementioned populations have a period of acclimation of one year from the date of their arrival in Israel, during which time he can request not to be considered an Israeli resident for income tax purposes. After that period, he will be able to make an educated decision as to where his residence will be for tax purposes, a decision which very often involves significant economic considerations.
These benefits may be attractive to many returning residents and new immigrants. Moreover, the proposed amendment opens the door for very interesting tax planning schemes which will strengthen their inherent possibilities.
On the other hand, it should be remembered that very often, in practice, the tax examiner is "stingy" when it comes to granting tax breaks. Largesse legislation in the Knesset will be strictly assessed by the tax authorities. My recommendation is to obtain tax advice in advance regarding the specific income involved in each instance in order to take advantage of the benefits of the tax authorities and the National Insurance Institute ("Bituach Leumi") and in order to avoid traps.
How to buy Real Estate in Israel – by Yoram Indik
When you buy property in Israel, you must be aware of certain basic legalities, terminology and norms. Firstly, let me clarify that Real estate in Israel is divided into two categories. Privately owned Israel property and State owned Israel property. In this article, I will be discussing Privately owned Israel property only.
Privately owned property includes all Israel real estate that is owned by private individuals, private or public corporations or any other legal entity that is recognized by the state of Israel. Privately owned Israel real estate, be it residential or commercial, can purchased and sold by a foreign citizen, resident or legal entity (such as a company or public corporation). Israel real estate can even be purchased by non-Jews.
Many Jews living abroad will visit for the sole purpose of shopping for homes in Israel. A common assumption is that buying a home in Israel is not so different than buying a home in their country of origin. But, in fact, there are several basic Israeli real estate laws that are unique to the country. Firstly, when you buy a home in Israel, whether it’s a home in Jerusalem or Tel Aviv, you must be aware that you are buying a home according to the specifications in the contract. If you buy a home in Israel and you move in to find that the bathroom fixtures are missing, the spot lights are gone and even the entire kitchen has been removed, don’t be surprised. It’s normal for people to take, literally, everything with them when they move out. This is why it’s important to hire an experienced Israel real estate attorney that will guide you through the specifications on the bill of sale, check important matters such as betterment tax, as well as help you understand, in simplified terms, the complex procedure involved in buying property in Israel.
An Israel real estate attorney will also go through the process of investigating the Property Tabu (Title/Deed). There have been countless cases where Jews from abroad have purchased a home in Israel without attorney’s only to find that the property they purchased didn’t belong to the seller in the first place. A thorough Tabu investigation will reveal property ownership, but also other important details such as whether the property has any outstanding mortgages or liens. Once the property status has been clarified, your real estate attorney will be able to inform you of any possible issues which may prevent you from following through on the transaction.
Most new apartments in Israel are sold before construction begins or before it is complete. This is common in Israel, nothing to be concerned about.
Israel property size
It’s well known that in Israel, property owners or contractors who’ve built new homes, may make the square meter number of the property seem greater than what it actually is. They will include a weighted proportion of common space, such as a common area of land you share with a neighbor, the common staircase or unusable space, such as walls. The actual square meter number should be carefully analysed when buying property in Israel.
The Vad
Apartments or houses in Israel are usually part of a multi unit building. These multi unit buildings have, what’s known, as a Vad. The Vad is the building council made up, usually, of neighbors or apartment owners. The Vad is responsible for collecting money for building maintenance fees, gardening fees, property repairs, etc. In many cases, such as in Jerusalem, the Vad is also responsible for the building heating systems. Most newer apartments have solar heating, but for those that do not, you must be prepared to heat your apartment with electric or kerosene heaters, particularly if the Vad has decided to cut down on heating cost. They may and will shut down the communal heating systems with prior notice of course.
Israel Real Estate Tax
Arnona is a real estate tax collected by the city which is calculated by the square meters of your property and neighborhood rate. The Arnona for expensive apartments in Israel can add up to thousands of shekels per year. It’s crucial to check the arnona on the property in order for you to gain an accurate estimate of your property purchase.
If you are considering buying an apartments or villa and would like to view your options during Passover,
contact us.
Viewing properties during Passover
The Passover Holiday season is an excellent opportunity to view luxury homes and properties in any one of Israel’s exclusive neighborhoods. Many Jews visiting from abroad make it a point to explore Israel’s growing real estate opportunities. If you are considering buying an apartments or villa and would like to view your options during Passover,
contact us .
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